Wednesday, 6 May 2015

DEUX // current mood

It's late and I'm writing a blog post to let you know that a) deux is french for two and that b) all is swell. Over the last week a shit load has happened and I've divided it all up into lil' segments of two because it was the second week of the term and it felt like a good road to go down. 
I was participating in a performance that ended tonight which is a lil' bittersweet and as well as that, I thought it was time for me to share a photo of myself, which I haven't done for a while.

this dress // hazey by glass animals // nostalgia // sleep ins // contentment in the absence of organisation // inspiration from talented individuals // 

Sleep tight, 
Bella xx 

Sunday, 26 April 2015

14 good vibey things I tell myself // notes on positive mantra

As hard as I try to separate myself entirely from the wellness blogger, life-coach, surface of the ocean crew, that in Sydney tends to hang out in Bondi drinking green juice and judging everyone else...there's something that they preach that I always come to crawling back to: blind optimism. 

Now I'll admit: optimistic types can be annoying as hell. Condescending, shallow and convinced they can 'cure' depression with a gratitude jar, that's not a look I'm too keen on. But I'm not gonna pretend that life can't be shit. Utterly and entirely shit (so much for optimism hahA!).
And when you get into a shit situation, telling yourself that the light looks pretty and that you're important and that everything is complex and beautiful, I'm a fan of that

I have a little book, it has a pretty mural on the cover with Indian dancers and it looks good in pictures when sat on a board with an earl grey to the left of it. It comes out around 7:44 on the train, matched with a coffee and usually a jazz number playing on my iPod. It's my book of mantra and in it I write lines that make me feel good, and sometimes I might even close my eyes for a second and say a line a couple times over because I'm a bit of a noob. 

Positive reaffirmations don't have to be cliched and vomit-inducing. Shit like 'smile, you're beautiful' and 'be grateful, you're so lucky,' has never really worked for me. So I tell myself different things, I like to remind myself of the great mass of wonderful content: good films and music and books I'm yet to discover, I like to remind myself of my complexity as a growing changing human being and I like to think about nature and the universe. When I write it down it does sound a little condescending, because they're instructions. Positive instructions, to me, with love, from me. Here are some lil' ones I've written on the train over the last few weeks that have made me feel extra good. 

☆ Wow!!! You fucked up, no biggie! In fact, good on're on the road to flawed dream girl status 
☆ Look at all these people sitting around you, think about the complexity of their lives and the way their lives might be interconnected to yours. Isn't it fascinating to be part of such an interconnected world? 
 Today is going to be a good fucking day, think of all the fantastic people in your life 
☆ Whatever happens at least there's always gonna be good Scandinavian design in this world, look at that man's minimalist watch 
☆ I am so loveable. There's practically sunshine radiating from my body. 
☆ You know what, I got outta bed this morning! Clearly a hella productive day. 
☆  Think of all the books you haven't read. So many of them must be really damn good. Your life can be wonderful and full of purpose and you don't even need to get a job, you can just read all the wonderful books you haven't read yet! 
☆ I'm so deserving of a good day today. 
☆ Think about the stars, think about seeing the stars in the other people in this carriage, in yourself. 
☆ I'm an idiot and I love it 
☆ SO many things matter more than these bad vibes shitty things. For example: FKA Twig, light in the trees, the first sip of tea in the early morning. 
 I am too cute, watch out train catchers. 
☆ I am dangerously optimistic, watch out train catchers.  
☆ I am growing into such a good person. WOw! 

Mantra can't fix everything, but for me it's a helpful way of boosting your good vibe levels! 

Stay good, kids, 
Bella xx

Monday, 20 April 2015

in heavy mist and glitter dust // current vibe

Today is stormy...turbulent almost. Everyone has pulled out their especially fuzzy jumpers, their broken umbrellas. They get caught in the wind, they scowl - Sydneysiders hate rain, you heard it here first. 

For me, today has consisted of two parts, alternating between two themes. One is cosy and safe, the other wild and free.  The warm and cosy was tea in bed this morning, baths in nice herbal body wash, a halumoi burger with a lovely friend in a cute lil' cafe and then laughs with some other mates later in the day. I don't wanna go all Sex and the City on you but let me be real, I love female friendship. Teenage girls have a knack for forming close bonds with each other and then providing emotional-hurricane proof support and radiating positivity - ain't that grand! 

The wild, free part of today was walking in the rain, which gets super fun and maybe even a wee bit beautiful when you give up on trying to stay dry. I also spent much of today listening to 'Pools,' by Glass Animals, the lyrics of which are in the title of this post. It's kinda the perfect song for today, fit for walking briskly through the rain. In fact, when I walked into my back lane on the way home as the rain bucketed down and the street remained deserted I may or may not have even danced a little. 

CURRENT VIBE: I'm the girl writing elaborate plans for the school term that starts in two days. The girl baking cookies and buying flowers. The girl reading shitons of feminist literature so she can have further ammunition to smash the patriarchy. You can be this girl if you see friends for coffee as a means of procrastination and listen to jazz covers. She'll probably be a different person next week. 

Stay cool, kids, 
Bella xx

PS. Body Positive Club is back baby!!! Bea and I wrote a post together on an issue we care about a lot...Slut Shaming! You can check it out here
PPS. My poem...IN FLUX made it into the 8th issue of CHERRY MAG, check it out here

Wednesday, 15 April 2015

kick down the walls // notes on privilege & black and white

Let's have a conversation about the things I take for granted: cis-privilege, white privilege, social privilege, being able-bodied, not having a mental illness. The world I see is entirely shaped by this privilege, every experience I've had in the past shapes the experience I am having at this very moment in time. The world changes around me, I change. Things are ever-fluid, with every experience, every news story, every person I meet, everything I read I realise how important it is for me to get comfortable in the grey area, because everything I once thought was black and white...isn't. 

Gender is a spectrum. Sexuality is a spectrum. People change. Relationships are complex, lines are blurred. People are complex...lines are blurred. And yet logically, we try and organise the chaos. We separate people, we draw attempt to make things simpler for ourselves. But how can we do that when the influences and privilege that shape our decision making are entirely different to those of the people we are trying to separate from ourselves. 

The combination of blindness to privilege and this constant expectation of black and white has gotta be harmful, right? For everyone involved, everyone involved being...everyone. There's all these weird ideas that stop us getting comfy in the grey area, which seems to be  less harmful then this kooky line drawing shit. Some of my least faves include: the friend zone, a gross idea that thrives on the concept that 1) friendship is at a lesser value to relationships 2) a person expressing honest, true feelings will always fuck things up. Other gross ideas include: gender roles and binary, expectation of no fluidity of sexuality and this 'just get up and get a job idea,' an idea that sees economic differences as black and white and as a result of laziness and opposed to a result of social and economic factors. 

The world is grey as fuck, and the fact that the values that dictate the way we live are not is only going to cause harm. The breaking down of social systems such as this and the rebirth of a world that allows fluidity and experimentation and the art and culture and music and content that could come from that is a thought that makes me incredibly excited. 

This is mostly directed at myself but in light of this all, I'm going to write a lil' memo and stick it on the inside of my skull - calm down baby, chill, take a step back, stop trying to label and organise feelings and things and people, let the complexity of it all wash over you and take it as what it is. 

Much love, 
Bella xx 
PS. When ever I write a social justice type post I live in fear that I've said something insensitive or offensive, if there is something in this post that makes you feel icky - lemme know and I'll get rid of it ASAP! 

Saturday, 4 April 2015

flapper // a holiday moodboard

I've got 2 weeks off for the holidays and it's always a really good opportunity to regroup. Re-establish the vibe of your life, try new things, hang out with mates, get some quality creative work done, all that kind of stuff.  

So, a few weeks ago someone said to me 'I can totally imagine you as a flapper' and it was the ultimate compliment because there's nothing I'd really rather be. Then later, on a completely unrelated note, probably my subconscious urging me to return to the flapper I was in a different life, I cut my hair into a bob and upped my eyeliner game. So, here I am - Bella: a wannabe flapper, and I guess a lot of my holiday goals and moods and ideas centre around that idea. 

Love you all, 

Monday, 30 March 2015

date urself // & other self care practices 01

I tell you what's a fucking terrifying thought: the only truly consistent relationship in your life is the one you have with yourself. The only thing that you can hold onto tightly and know for absolute sure that you're in it together, whether you like it or not. And yeah, that's scary, claustrophobic even.  But all it means is that it's a relationship you need to put a little time & love into. You need to get used to you

So take yourself out. Sit in a cute cafe, watch a french film, walk around on nice days drinking coffee with a stella ice coffee, daydream about cute boys & girls. Smile because of and in spite of yourself. Textbook self care stuff. I blab on about this shit all the time...but why should you do it? 

In a ableist society that thrives off constantly praises movement and getting shit done and constantly doing something to furthur humanity or make money or whatever, taking time for yourself to do something that isn't nesercerrily productive in the same way money making is, is a subtle act of rebellion. And it shouldn't be...because for us as individuals, getting to know ourselves is key, looking after ourselves similarly so. 

We also live in a society that is geared towards extroverts, which is good if your like me and you are an extrovert but also means that more introverted behaviour is not as talked about. And in all my extrovertism, I can't pretend I don't need time for myself. I can't pretend I don't love listening to music on the train and walking through the parts of my city with the best architecture alone - I live for that shit. I can sit there and think about the fact that I'm doing well and that my coffee is especially good today and write a to do list or maybe something a little more substantial and all is well. Date yourself. 

More coming later, 
Bella xx

Saturday, 14 March 2015

all she wants to do is bang..kok // guess who went to thailand

Bit of a radio silence over here I know, I know. I spent 2 weeks with my mates in Thailand doing a lil' bitta community service, as well as exploring markets and doing cooking classes. And then I got back and shit happened, two weeks past and here we are.

Thailand was fucking fantastic, all sticky rice with mango and sun and genie pants and that mellow sleepy bones feeling you get when you do exercise or swim. It was a school trip and living with my friends for two weeks was killer, I miss that part a lot, dancing and sharing moisturiser and all that super positive, supportive female friendship. 

So what did we do: now I don't want to alarm anyone, so I'll say this in the most low key way possible - we built a basketball court. Now I had initial misconceptions: here was I sitting in the corner, being cynical thinking 'well, well, well, a bunch of private school girls go over to a third world country to do nothing and then validate themselves, 'justifying' their own privilege,' bUT it wasn't like that. We got shit done, the physical side was not only intense but rewarding and really kind of therapeutic. We also went to massage school, cooking classes and a beautiful night market. 

I also listened to some really good tunes in Thailand, faves from the trip were: Bound 2 by Kanye, Sweatpants by Gambino (lyrics from this song are scattered throughout this post) and Lily Allen's entire It's Not Me It's You, which is a kind of consistent fave of mine.

And then I got back: and school upped the anti. Assessments are pilled up, everything felt, no feels in motion, and everything else was, no is, on the back burner. Blogging, making music, writing, reading, exercise: it ain't happening at the moment and the rejection of the most important part of yourself, the creative part,  in the name of a project on coastal management and a maths exam can leave you feeling odd, just a little bit. I don't wanna pull the let's talk about feelings card, but I'm going to pull the let's talk about feelings card. I don't really have a grasp on what's going on, everything felt has an undertone of emptiness or a sad nostalgia as if thinking things are not what they used to be, I've become too emotionally invested in things that aren't going to give anything back which is no doubt, always a bad idea, do not recommend. 

But god, it's not all bad: this past week I've gone to the pretty library in my area, had lots of bubble tea and good ice coffee, I spent an evening at a wharf and the light was beautiful, I had a really good Italian dinner and I saw old friends and ate falafel and pita bread. 

THIS WEEK (@ me): keep the most important part of yourself alive and thriving, be incredibly organised in doing your assessments, over estimate how long it will take you to do everything: Evernote and are your new best mates. Buy flowers, keep your room clean to clear your head. Read and write when you have a spare moment, on the train, before bed. Put more thought into what your eating. 

How are you all? Tell me about your week! 
Bella x